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Here is your Free Chapter: "Changing Your Beliefs System" by Claudia Esser Brown

We all come into this world with our own unique blueprint and set of perceptions. As we grow, beliefs are shared with us by our parents, loved ones, and influencers such as teachers or religious leaders. When we are young, we hold most of those beliefs as true and right because we are told they are. However, as we grow, we are able to integrate them or reject them or even morph them into our own belief system. Here are some of my experiences. How have you navigated your beliefs over the course of your life?

Our lives are built out of our beliefs. Core beliefs bring us together or tear us apart. Why do we have these beliefs? Can we change them? Who are we changing them for?

When I was about four years old, we moved into a new home. I grew up in a family of seven kids, and there were five at the time. So, with another one on the way, my parents decided to move all of us to a bigger house. I had four brothers at the time, and I was the second oldest. We would all sit together for dinner at night, and my mother would cook and clean. At some point soon after we moved in, my parents told me that I needed to help my mother cook dinner and that I needed to do the dishes afterward every night. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. I did help my mother cook dinner every night, but when it came to also washing the dishes, I started to feel resentful. Why was I doing all the work while my brothers weren’t helping at all? This didn’t seem fair to me, so I brought it up to my parents. 

Now, this was not something that I normally would do. But I felt so strongly about it that I got over my fear of talking back to my parents and told them that I didn’t think it was fair that I had to do all the work around the house, and that my brothers did nothing. They said, “Oh, well, that’s because you’re a girl, and girls help out in the kitchen.” 

I replied, “Well, I help out outside, so why do the boys not help around the kitchen and I have to help outside?” 

They thought about it and they agreed with me and said, “Great. Here’s what we will do: all the boys and you will take turns washing the dishes, and we still would like you to help make the dinners.” That turned out beautifully because I didn’t mind helping my mother cook, and there were five of us who could wash dishes at the time so that took up five days - almost a whole week.

This was my first foray into feeling that boys and girls weren’t treated fairly in the household. We were expected to do things that didn’t seem to make sense to me. If boys could cook and do dishes, that seemed to me like a really good thing for them to learn to do. And it also seemed like a really good thing that I helped out in the yard with my brothers. We all learned to work as a team.

By the way, years later, I learned that my brothers, at least a couple of them, said they were really happy that they did dishes and learned to cook as well because it helped them in their lives going forward and gave them an appreciation for cooking. So, I’m happy to say that it all turned out well in the end.

I loved sports when I was young and loved to play and run around. Of course, I had all my brothers to play with so that helped. We ended up as a family of five boys and two girls, my sister being the youngest and nine years younger than me. I would play sports in the yard with my brothers and their friends and neighbors. In the winter we’d go sledding, have snowball fights, and play in the snow. In the summer, we would play football, soccer, baseball, and other sports in the backyard. I loved playing sports! I went to a Catholic school, and sometimes we got to play kickball and a little baseball, but we had few other opportunities for girls to play sports. 

In the summers, as we got a little bit older, my mother would send us down to the elementary school that was at the bottom of the hill and go to summer camp. My brothers and I would walk from the house down to the school as it was a bit more than a mile away. When we initially attended, I found out that the girls were supposed to do crafts most of the day and then a little bit of kickball. The boys would play baseball and other sports out on the field, and they would play kickball too. The girls stayed on the concrete to do the crafts and kickball. I was not happy about that. I wanted to play baseball with the boys since I had already been playing with my brothers for a long time, and I got pretty good at it. So, I spoke to the woman leader and proposed that I could go play with the boys. I really wanted to play baseball and run around and do other sports. I didn’t want to sit around doing crafts all day because that just wasn’t something I enjoyed at the time. It took a bit of convincing, but I finally convinced both the woman leader and the boys' coach to let me play with the boys' team. Of course, I did pretty well, but I was put in the outfield, and the boys heckled me a lot because I was a girl playing with the boys. I stood on my own and played as best I could, and after a while, they stopped heckling me as much. But they still resented that a girl would be playing on a boys’ team . Now, these days, girls playing on a boys’ team is quite common, but when I was growing up, it was pretty rare. 

As I mentioned, I grew up in a Catholic family. When I was very young, we used to have only Sunday mass and were told that mass could only happen on Sunday. Years later, the Catholic Church changed its rules to allow us to go to mass on Saturday night. It took a lot of people many years to accept that they could go on Saturday night because the rule was to go on Sundays. 

The above examples illustrate how some belief systems that were in place when I was growing up and how they have slowly changed. During that time, girls had to do what girls “should do” and boys had to do what boys “should do.” There was little crossover. 

The belief systems were that girls should be girls and boys should be boys, and each was expected to do certain things and be treated a certain way. I was aware pretty early on that that was pretty silly, given that I had five brothers and we all worked around the house equally. But even then, it was only due to my making my parents aware of the inequality, and to their credit, they realized that yes, those rules were pretty silly. So, they changed, which was really great.

Today, many belief systems have changed, and even though they appear to be changed by society, many people hang on to some or even all of their old beliefs, many of which are serving and many that are not.

Our beliefs can be changed at any point in our lives. It is harder to change beliefs as a child, as we are in the learning process and are creating beliefs based on our life experiences. As we get older and more discerning, we then can look in on ourselves and see what beliefs we want to keep and which to let go of and/or change.

I’m the kind of person who likes to see different sides to things and can understand different perspectives. I found over the years that many people only can see their own perspective and don’t or aren’t open to seeing other people's perspectives if it doesn’t agree with their own. This is where interpersonal clashes can happen.

This brings up a point about who you are changing beliefs for. If you are changing them for yourself, and you want to change them, that is done out of self-love and self-awareness. If you are changing them because someone else wants you to change them, then you must decide if that change in belief is authentic for you and good for you and not just a change out of obligation. If you are making belief changes for someone else, that is not authentic to you and your being. 

Belief systems can be changed at any time and even quickly once we have awareness and discernment. A belief that we have had for years can change if we want to change it. The first part is an awareness of the belief. The next part is figuring out why we believe what we believe. Is it something our parents told us? Is it something that our teachers or church or others in our lives convinced us of? Where did that come from? Was it an experience that we had in our lives that formed a belief? What is a trauma that occurred in our lives, where we had to protect ourselves in some way or another, and we created a belief system in ourselves? 

Awareness of the belief is the first part of the process of potential change. Figuring out where the belief had its origins is the second part of changing beliefs. The third part is wanting to change that belief for ourselves only, not because of someone else’s demands, and accepting that we can have a new belief. Many times, our beliefs are attached to our emotions, our internal resistance, to what others have told us, or other influences. The fourth part is creating a new belief. What is that new belief? Do we really believe it? Is there some other emotion or reason around that new belief, and can we be open to changing even that belief at some point in time if it doesn’t continue to serve us?

Today, old belief systems continue to be pervasive. We see it in the news every single day. We see it in advertisements. We see it in the movies. We see it in the workplace. We see it in our homes with our loved ones. At the same time, we are also being presented with new belief systems, such as becoming open to homosexuality as part of the norm, girls being able to play sports on boys’ teams, women having their own professional sports teams (hockey, soccer, and basketball), women being paid equally to men for the same level of work, and many more. Women, for instance, are still fighting for equal compensation at work as there is an unwritten rule that men get paid more for the same work. 

Let’s start with some examples of current belief systems in advertising. In advertising, the people in the advertisement are almost always smiling and laughing even if the commercial is about something negative. 

The appeal of a smile works because of a phenomenon known as “emotional contagion.” In most people, our mirror neurons work when we're exposed to a recognizable facial expression. If that facial expression is happy, our “mirror neurons” make us brighten up automatically. So, when you look at a smiling face, however subtle, something in you automatically brightens up as well.

It works, because we simply feel better when we see other people happy. That's how we're wired. Therefore, a smile on a model's face has the ability to ignite consumer joy and improve our attitude.

So, commercials conspire to shift or change our belief systems and encourage us to buy their products by using smiling people in their ads. 

The same thing happens in the news. Over the last several years, “fake news” has become a common term. We have become aware that every news station offers us the same, negative news in virtually the same words. This is because most of the major news stations are owned by the same owners, and they want the news to be consistent. They also dictate what to add to the news and what to keep out or suppress. They determine how the news is presented, what is said, and how it is said. This may seem conspiratorial, but many people are aware that this is happening. 

Movies are a great place to solidify old belief patterns or create new beliefs. 

The power of audiovisuals has been manifested and exploited politically, socially, and economically throughout history. 

Besides mirroring our diverse cultures, film has, for a long time, been shaping our beliefs and values. A good example is when people copy fashion trends from movie stars and musicians. It is also common these days to find societies using figures of speech that are inspired by the film industry. At the very least, film solidifies selected cultural beliefs.

For instance, romantic movies make sex look “cool.” Crime movies make lying seem calculative. There are also genres that normalize stealing and dishonesty. Teenagers are now able to access pornographic content online and watch music videos that advocate for drug and substance abuse. All this content is misleading to young boys and girls, but parents can’t seem to find reliable, foolproof strategies to stop their kids from accessing it. Even adults are exposed to movies where there is almost always a homosexual couple in order for the media to influence our attitudes towards them (not a bad thing but noticeable). 

For every visual medium, our awareness as to what the messages communicated are important. Watching a movie and observing the subtleties of the perception that the movie is projecting is very important for us as individuals. You can ask yourself what you want to believe by having this awareness. How are your beliefs compromised, influenced, or solidified by the media? Only by becoming aware of this can you determine what you want to believe or can believe (even if you didn’t before). Again, changing belief systems, even those that are subtly reinforced over time by society, can be done if you are aware and challenge them. 

Belief systems in the workplace are pervasive. It does depend on where you work, how many people you work with, and the internal, collective beliefs of the workplace. Many people have to “go along with” the collective beliefs of those in the workplace to fit in and continue to be paid. 

Workplace culture refers to the collective values, beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors that shape the environment and interactions within an organization. Workplace culture influences how employees feel, communicate, and collaborate.

Company culture is the collection of unwritten norms, beliefs, and collective attitudes that shape how things get done within your organization. This means it can contain any combination of elements.

 Creating an environment where personal beliefs do not affect overall work expectations is critical. Certain beliefs may still be in place, even if the culture is positive. 

A dramatic change from Covid produced a massive work-from-home shift. Belief systems on all levels shifted dramatically because there was no other alternative. Even the health system learned to do health checks via home and Zoom calls, an unprecedented move. 

Covid brought about massive shifts in belief systems worldwide in all areas of our lives. Telehealth opened up where doctors and nurses could talk to patients on the phone or Zoom, working from home was mandatory so people didn’t need to drive to work, Zoom became a common household word, and opinions about the Covid shots became polarized. Life appeared to move slower because people weren’t rushing to and from work or school or church, there were little to no social activities, isolation with family became good or bad, and there was more freedom to relax because people were stuck in their homes. Additionally, there was renewed appreciation for the things that mattered to people. Teachers were now teaching remotely, more homeschooling came about because teachers sometimes couldn’t attend to the students, less money was being spent because there was nowhere to go, church attendance from home by remote viewing became commonplace, and many businesses went out of business due to lack of sales. Some business owners created new and different businesses by “pivoting” in business, there were no sports activities for kids so parents weren’t rushing around driving their kids to activities, close family and friends many times got closer while many family and friends relationships dissolved, more time was spent outside, curfews were instated so highways were almost empty or empty at times during the day or night, and so much more. 

We have had proof that we can change our beliefs through many external influences. What about challenging and changing your beliefs? How many of your beliefs can you list? 

These days, because of the shift in where we can work and prices going up at an increasing rate, people are looking to create their own business, work part time at a remote job, or join a direct marketing company or similar. 

Changing our belief systems of today can be more magnified than in past years and many are being changed through the use of our current technologies, where information on almost any subject can be found. The internet is a powerful communication medium, and we see so much every day that can impact us in subtle or overt ways. 

The beliefs of our parents, in particular, are incredibly strong. We are influenced by them our whole lives. If we disagree with them when we are younger, and they don’t see or respect our point of view, we most likely have to tolerate them until we get older and away from their influence. Even when we get older, if we do not agree, it can bring heavy emotional disturbance to the family members.

We also tend to gravitate toward people who share our points of view. Many can become good friends for a time or a lifetime. True, long-term relationships are based on shared beliefs and respect for different beliefs. 

Beliefs are created by people. Shared beliefs by a large enough collective can influence others’ beliefs. A strong speaker with strong passions can shift the collective’s beliefs. The key is remembering that we are all individuals and are unique. Respecting people’s basic rights is important. Listening is important. 

Many times, beliefs are negative in nature. You can challenge yourself to figure out if they are and what a positive new belief might be. Imagine if you had more positivity in your life. If you focus on the positives, more positives come into your life. 

Here are some examples of beliefs that are still strongly held but have shifted over time:

Don’t wear white after Labor Day. Wear high heeled shoes to work. Wear a suit and tie to work. You’re not feminine enough if you’re a girl who plays sports. Sexual harassment. Race discrimination. Don’t wear a white wedding dress if you are remarrying after getting a divorce. Boys shouldn’t cry. You’re weak if you cry. Only men can wear men’s clothes. Boys shouldn’t show any signs of weakness. Girls should not be aggressive. Aggressive boys and men are strong and leaders. Boys/men should be physically strong. Real men don’t do yoga. Don’t talk about negative things going on in the household. The adult/parent is always right. Same-sex parents harm the children in their emotional development. Don’t talk about your real feelings. 

Here’s an exercise you can do. Make a list of as many of your beliefs as you can. Then, go through and list where that belief came from. In the next two columns, write down the pros and cons of each belief. In the last column, add what new positive belief you can create for each and why you want to change it. Some you may want to keep, but what about the ones that are not serving you in some way in your life? Even everyday beliefs that you assign “always” or “never” to can be listed, and you can decide if those are really true or not. 

What would your life be like if you changed your beliefs to be more positive?